Everything is Scary but we move on.
In which I talk about a Safety 101 session I had with 17 year olds. It's really just that. Oh, and a couple revelations about fear.
I’m no stranger to public speaking.
During my illustrious career as Busy Bitch In Charge, debate club and student council made up my school days. Even in university, I was known to have quite the yapper - I have never backed down from presenting on a group project, which earned endless respect and appreciation from my incredibly shy (or absent) teammates.
If you are simply desperate enough to be heard, you will be able to overcome a fear so simple as 'I’m scared’. Set a pace that works for you, put in a few emphases on key words so as to carry you through the speech, and you are all set. Start professionally begging people to listen to what you have to say.
Now, with that being said, staring down the barrel the dead, blank eyes of 17 year old while trying to explain why the world is dangerous is… a different experience.
From how to react when witnessing a mental health crisis, to how to keep oneself safe in the hellhole that is the club scene, I walked my students through basic safety measures and tips for their Life Skills session.
Don’t leave friends alone when incapacitated.
Ask for Angela, ask for an angel shot if you’re in need of help in the bar.
Don’t reveal your address to the person you’re going on a date with, you don’t want to potentially get stalked.
Coercive partners exist.
The more I talked, the bigger the pit in my stomach became.
The world has not become a significantly more dangerous place compared to our parents’, our grandparents’ days. The never-ending true crime videos and cold case podcasts are a testament to that.
But Jesus fucking Christ, is it grim to actually list out the Dangerous Things to a bunch of teens who should ideally, just be worried about what budget friendly meals to make, or what outfits to wear during fresher’s week before inevitably grabbing the comfiest pair of elasticated pants.
And I couldn’t help but feel that I had done little to prepare them for all the fear and hurt that potentially awaited them in the ‘real world’. (It’s silly, I know. They’ve lived their lives so far, and they’ll continue to do so.)
I’ve been thinking about fear.
As Pixar’s Inside Out so eloquently puts, fear keeps us safe.
He is constantly on the lookout for potential disasters, and spends time evaluating the possible dangers, pitfalls and risk involved in Riley's (our) everyday activities. There are very few activities and events that Fear does not find to be dangerous and possibly fatal.
And my mother (bless her), is my personal, real life Fear.
She preferred that I have sleepovers at home because then she’d at least be able to guarantee my friends’ and my safety.
She dropped me off and picked me up from school religiously, at the same time and place. If I were late without prior notice, I’d get a severe talking to.
There was no shortage of backup planning in our household - I always knew where to go to, who to turn to and what mode of transportation to take in any situation where I’d be away from her.
The feeling of fear for me has therefore always been straightforward.
Until it really, really wasn’t.
There was a crowd crush in Seoul that killed around 160 people two years ago. It was Halloween night. Two hours before it happened, I felt a gripping fear in my heart as we tried to wade through the waves and waves of people. With no signs of crowd control, I knew something terrifying was coming our way, and I forced all my friends to leave the scene.
Two hours later, we received the alerts that there had been an “accident.” It was only in the morning that we saw the horrifying news; people were piled upon one another on a vertical hill, unable to free themselves. Some were scaling the walls in effort to avoid being stuck between the bodies. So many people died, for no reason apart from wrong place, wrong time.
And as terrible as it sounds, all I could feel was a shaky sense of gratitude. And I felt sick for it.
There are causes for fear that you can’t help but just barrel through.
With something as sickening and horrifying as a fucking crowd crush, you’re at the mercy of luck. Nothing can help you fully prepare for something like that, except for maybe a few tips on how to protect your chest and lungs.
I can’t fix a person who is inherently unhappy enough to harass, bully and hurt others. I can’t help them to become better people, I can’t ask that they simply treat me better. Because they absolutely won’t.
I can’t avoid love just because I’m afraid of getting hurt again. I will never be able to guarantee my physical and emotional safety, and yet, I will just have to push through the fear and hope that I’m okay on the other side. (We usually are, reader. We may need some time, but we’re okay in the end.)
There are so many causes of fear that our mothers and teachers can’t prepare us for.
But my conclusion is that bravery and courage, even when practised reluctantly, is still bravery and courage.
In a slightly nihilistic manner, life is life regardless of whether we like it or not.
Dangers will exist. Hurt will exist. Hope will too, exist.
So keep yourself safe to the best of your abilities, build a community to help and be helped.
But don’t let the fear stop you in your tracks, reader.
You’re going to be okay.
See you next Sunday,
Kim.