I graduated university this past Friday.
And I’ve been quite pensive and reflective since; it’s an amalgamation of feelings that my body is going through right now.
I moved back to Korea for the first time in 18 years to attend university. My high school graduation had felt like a sigh of relief that it was over, with an undertone of melancholy that I was leaving my hometown for good.
I loved life in university. It was everything I worked towards as a kid. There were new people to meet, new things to try, new places to explore.
There were miserable moments, sure. I wish I had been more diligent with my Korean before I had come here, but being thrown into academic writing was a good way to improve my language skills in a relatively short amount of time.
Beyond the typical nights out and glamorous all nighters, I think I missed the little moments the most when Covid inevitably hit.
I missed the peach americano from my department building’s little shop. They had the best bagels.
I missed sitting on the bench in the terrace with my friends to bitch about our Digital Design professor’s cigarette breath (and borderline abusive critiques?? He ripped up my friend’s work once??).
I missed the 5 am walk to the park after editing my Experimental Film final. I missed it all.
I think in the moment, we were all focusing on living one day after the other. But the grief has actually settled now. I was 19 when the pandemic hit. I had just finished my second year.
I came out of it as a 22 year old with a job.
I can’t help but feel a little robbed of my first few years of adulthood.
I took up a second degree in Media Communication during the pandemic. It was more theoretical, and I absolutely adored it because it reminded me of high school English class.
I took a gap year to work on my thesis film. It was a long, arduous process.
I got a job at my current workplace during the gap year. This was unexpected, and it changed the trajectory of my life in ways that I never could have imagined.
I went back to school to finish my final year. I took online classes while I worked. I was ready for it all to be over by then.
I finished my film. It could have been better.
I got the approval to graduate.
And now…
Now I feel a little empty.
Graduation day was snowy and cold. Korean school years start in February, so graduation was of course, during one of the coldest months here.
The sky was bright. Flurries of snow fell from the tree branches on campus.
I was wearing a pair of Dickies trousers that I liked to wear to work.
Upon picking up my certificate of graduation from the Arts building, I stepped out to 15 seconds of snow fall. It felt like the world was acknowledging me for a brief moment.
I cried.
There was no big ceremony, no graduation caps thrown. I did get to rent out a robe to take pictures in though.
Mum and I went to get Chinese food afterwards, before going home and falling into an exhausted heap. We hadn’t done anything that was too physically exerting, but we were just so tired.
And that was that. I had wrapped up a chapter of my life once more.
I’ve written before about moving forward.
But I’m going to be completely honest, reader. I’m scared to do it.
And I’m not completely sure why! I have my degrees now, I have a starter job that will look good on my CV, I have a post graduate program that I want to do before applying to jobs again! Objectively speaking, that is a solid Life Plan!!
Maybe it’s a mild temper tantrum that I didn’t really get to enjoy uni life to the fullest extent. Maybe it’s a freak out session now that I’m approximately D-121 days until leaving my job. It’s a lot of ‘wrapping up things’ to deal with. (change, kim. you’re pretty bad with change.)
But upon reflecting every decision I made to be here, I am grateful more than anything.
I took the risk and swallowed my anxieties to move to a practically new country. I took my fears and chucked it as far as I could and chose to fall in love. When it boomeranged back, I held it close to my chest and I chose myself to stay afloat. I kept my heart soft and opened it up for new connections. I chose to leave comfort to move forward, over and over again.
Every single step of the way, there has been changes, be it subtle or glaringly obvious.
But nothing changes, if nothing changes. (call back!)
So I’ll learn to exist in this new shift in my life, one day at a time.
Happy Sunday, reader.
Till next week,
Kim.