On City Girl Livin' and SATC
a 20 something's reset era, and a short love letter to my best friends.
Hi!!
I’m back from my little hiatus.
Life was truly life-ing; it was stressful and busy yet fruitful all at once.
I applied to 5 different universities to finally get my post graduate certificate in Education. And not to jinx it, but I believe I’ve secured a place with my dream school!
I also have been spending a lot of time meditating and navigating mindfulness practises for myself. I never thought I knew how to truly meditate, and I still think all I’m really doing is taking a little chunk of time to breathe deeply. But my anxiety hasn’t been as bad as it was a few weeks back, so it’s possible that all that breathing’s doing something good.
There’s a lot of adjusting and discomfort for me right now. But as is the motto for this newsletter, nothing changes if nothing changes. I’m trying to frame this moment in my life as growing pains, and to fully lean into all the feelings that come and go.
I wanted to talk about my relationship with the city today.
I was never a suburban kid. I grew up in the hustle and bustle of Jakarta, living apartment to apartment in the seemingly endless cycle of school - art class - home. Efficient public transport wasn’t really a thing back then, and my family’s car felt like a third space with how much time I would spend in the quintessential J-town traffic jams.
Jakarta got its first singular subway line in 2019. You can imagine how surreal it felt.
I’ve been living in another mega-city for the past 5 years, and it feels like its own alternate universe.
For a city that is mostly tall gray buildings, Seoul is vibrant. It is non-stop. It is also relentless.
I hated the commute-hour subways, I hated that people seemed to be completely disinterested and disconnected with one another. I hated that people pushed so much. I had once stood up to give my seat to a man with a leg cast. A lady quickly pushed me aside to sit in it. The man and I stared at each other in disbelief. Another person stood up for him, and he sat down, sighing. The lady proceeded to yell that she would call the police on him for ‘cussing her out’. I got off the bus at the next stop and had a little cry.
I missed seeing the skyline without ugly old buildings blocking the view. The sky on the drive to my high school was always so blue, with cumulus clouds constantly on the verge of spilling over.
Even with millions of people milling around me every day, I felt utterly alone and stifled.
Every Sunday, I take the subway to my best friend’s apartment.
I bring a loaf of sour dough with me sometimes, other times I bring salt and vinegar chips and a jar of pimento stuffed olives.
She greets me with a hug, wet curls dripping. She’s been on a natural hair journey and it’s brought her back to life.
We sit and grab our shared journal (we have a shared journal) and we start debriefing about our week. We talk about any stupid little mistakes we’ve made; we laugh about them. We talk about our issues with intimacy, our fears that perhaps true love isn’t something that is attainable for us.
As alluring as the idea of a fairy tale ending is, the drowsy, comforting lull of losing yourself in another person simply isn’t something we want or desire anymore. (There must be more. There must be more out there.)
So we write in our journal, we shout at the TV as Carrie reduces herself into a simpering mess for Mr.Big Schnozz, we eat our salt and vinegar crisps and we laugh.
And I can’t help but think that I am in fact, very much loved in those moments.
It took me years before feeling settled in the city.
I made the best of friends that made me feel seen and heard. I wouldn’t know what to do without them. I also learned to move with the crowd and to relish in the anonymity as a single fleck of dust in the mass.
The subways aren’t as intimidating when you’re muffling laughter with your friends over some stupid thing you saw on your way to your favourite bar. It’s less stifling between the squished bodies when you look out the window and see the sun setting over the Han river.
I’m learning to fall back in love with the place and people in my life.
And I hope you’re all doing well, wherever you may be, reader.
Summer is here.
Until next time,
Kim xx