Hi,
I had to take a break last Sunday because I had a massive anxiety attack for the first time in a while. It was not fun!
My anxiety sticks to my skin. It’s gloopy and gloppy and disgusting, and I’m usually totaled by the time I’ve freed myself from it.
I felt so many things in just a week that I started questioning my reality. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this way. When my head floods over with all sorts of emotions (they twist, they turn), I often feel afloat in my own body, unsure if what I’m experiencing is truly…real. It takes me a moment to come back down to Earth, to come to terms with everything.
I took yesterday off work to do just that. But before I get into all that I processed, a brief timeline of events for context:
Thursday and Friday: I prepped for a huge exhibition showcasing the 2024 cohort’s artworks of the past two years.
Saturday: A friend came to town. I drank!
Sunday: I had an anxiety attack that felt like it lasted all day.
Monday: I don’t remember much of this day, I was pretty much riding through the remnants of Sunday and was on autopilot.
Tuesday: Exhibition day! This was very stressful.
Wednesday: I got a fever and stayed home to process. Oh, and to rest.
It is Thursday now as I write this, and I’m still exhausted and a little bit numb. I am, however, filled with relief that I got through one of the busiest weeks of my school year with minimal injuries (last year I had welts all over my fingers from an allergic reaction to resin) (Art department things).
Yesterday, I bundled up in a ratty old sweatshirt and shorts, which felt antithetical. I ate all day; I felt like I had been starving for a week. I slept and slept and slept. I spent a lot of time listening to music and thinking.
Then I made a list of things that simply made me feel certain things. As you do, when you’re feeling overwhelmed and unable to string any singular thoughts together. (Just me? Cool cool cool cool -)
I had dinner with my best friends. We went to our favourite Italian place in the city, we knew exactly what we were going to order. We sat down, we grumbled about work, we ranted about the state of the world, and we cleaned our plates in just half an hour. We went on a long walk afterwards, stopping by a Turkish bakery just to stash our pockets with lemon cookies. All we did was walk to a subway stop a few blocks away while we chatted. But god, was this rejuvenating. I have their backs, they have mine.
My good friend was back in town! He moved away last summer, and it was so very good to see him. I felt that maybe I didn’t realise how much we all had missed him, until we saw him back and saw how easy things were with him around. My friend has a special ability to put people at ease. I missed that. I don’t think I’m the best at handling goodbyes, even after a lifetime of saying them to everyone I knew.
I had a proper drink for the first time since New Year’s Eve. I deceived myself into thinking it felt good at all. It did not. My anxiety is amplified with alcohol - I should have known better. I just wanted to feel involved. The anxiety that grew from that first drop of alcohol swallowed up the rest of my weekend.
I listened to a lot of music and started packing my room up. Never have I ever stayed in one house/flat/apartment for more than a year or two. I feel very attached to my current place, having been there for five years. But I am overgrown. All my things are spilling over the seams, and I am ready to move on. Doesn’t mean I’m not sad though. If the walls could speak, they would speak testaments to how I leave this place a completely different (better) person than I was when I entered it.
I cried, as I do. Time has not desensitised me to the violence in Gaza. I will never be okay. I did not want to see what a person would look like when flattened completely in the ground. I did not ever want to see a baby’s skin so sunken, almost suctioned onto the bones of their cheeks. I thought of my childhood friends and Ramadan. I thought of the love and solemnity I felt emanate from a community during this time. I tapped onto Refaat Alareer’s Instagram account and I read. He wrote these words once. He was here, once. They all were.
I started writing this newsletter in hopes of finding my daily life sacred and dear, and intentionally feeling gratitude in everything - the mundane, the difficult, everything.
And while it is an extreme struggle to come to terms with the horror scenes that we’ve created in the world, I am learning to take it day by day.
I will always feel a little overwhelmed. But maybe somewhere in the void, someone is reading these silly little entries and thinking, “Wow, this girl is spacey! I feel this way sometimes!”
The thought makes me feel seen.
All this to say, thank you for sticking around.
I’m glad you are here.
See you next week,
Kim x